First off, the family.
Of course, where else? One of
these things is not like the others.
Well, to me…none of “those things” was like the rest other than being
older…..no one looked like anyone else, even the “twins”….and my next oldest
sister wasn’t one of “them”….so…how was she so different from me?
Well, turns out being “older” was a BIG difference, since
the world shattered when I was twelve. I
had sisters already in nursing school and college. There I was…..left.
I understand it is an exercise in futility…but I play “what
if” from time to time anyway. What if I
had had two parents all through school like all the rest of my
schoolmates? What if I had had some
encouragement? What anyone had been
proud or happy or mildly pleased that I was college material? What IF I had been able to graduate at age 20
with a BA? What if?
What if I hadn’t been taught to be someone’s wife? What if I hadn’t been told my role was to
keep quiet? What if I had felt, from the
start, that I had some self worth?
********************
We are watching “The
Handmaid’s Tale.” It is becoming
progressively more painful…I think for my husband, but I know, especially…for
me. For while the “Tale” is taken to the
extreme……it strikes chords…deep chords….within.
“Please don’t tell me what to do”….”June” says to the
“Eye.” June.
“I will survive this.”…me, in 2000…when my then husband
threatened to kill us all, took an overdose and wound up plunked in a psyche
ward. And still…no one took me very seriously, except my child.
I doubt that my present husband has any idea of the gut
wrenching pain this series is causing…..l know that I would not even have a
clue as to where to begin to explain.
I am left handed.
When in first grade, I was asked to go to the board and add one plus
two. Easy. Three. But I wrote the numeral “3” backwards. I was repeatedly told my answer was
“wrong.” The other girls (yes, girls, in
an all girl’s Catholic school) started to giggle. Oh..so funny!
Wrong!!! What the hell else is
two plus one? One plus two?
************************
I have been looked over, passed over, ignored…in every
aspect of my life. Every job. Everything I wanted to achieve.
I had a dear friend in my 20s….she was a phlebotomist in our
office….I was a secretary….she got divorced and later met a guy who really
cared about her. She quit working and
went to nursing school. What a gift. I remember going to her graduation party with
my “fiancée” and thinking how lucky she
was that someone thought that much of her….to allow her to get through school
and better herself. The gift of a
lifetime.
Maybe I was lazy…..no, really, maybe I was lazy
because….well,…why? Who cares? You are just a girl. You don’t have a degree. You have a child. Whatever they could use against me they
did. Now I wonder…how many males are
asked….do you have a child? How many are
told…you are just a boy? A young
man? I’ve been overqualified for a
majority of the “positions” I held….and then asked to do things BEYOND my
realm…be half a nurse…take physical histories, sign documents for surgery…list
drugs you never heard of and don’t know how to spell….take blood pressures,
pulses and temperatures….take blood (I couldn’t)…give shots ( I did…and felt
like a charlatan and pray I didn’t kill anyone.) All to survive. All to keep a roof over my head, food on the
table….health care (the biggest joke of all.)
If I had stayed single I might have had a better
chance. But….noooooooo…I had to “have a
man.” No woman is complete without a
man. Right? And he was charming. Funny. Cute.
He also just wanted me to be his workhorse. And a good little workhorse I was.
********************************
I am happy for, yet envy, my friends or anyone who finds
that one person who values them. What
good fortune!! I think I was meant to
find my way alone. It is what I do
best. Not by choice…but by
circumstance. It just always seems to
work out that way. “One of these things
is not like the other.” And…that would
be me.
I don’t know how “The Handmaid’s Tale” ends…we have barely
scratched the beginning….and I never read it….so…….but I do know it is painful
for me, as a woman, as a woman who had aspirations that never were
clarified….encouraged…..
Oh…I DO have that degree….took me forty years, but I got
it….I spewed out a couple of independently published books that no one
reads…but I did it. And I moved to
Italy….whoever thought of that? Perhaps
that is one thing I can claim. I always
dreamed of going places and seeing things…and thanks to pandemic 2020 I may not
see much more, but I did do this. I have
to say, I am grateful each day I wake up in my 600 year old bedroom and look up
an ancient ceiling of handmade bricks.
People live and people die, times come and times go…..what
are we here for? What is it all meant to
be about? I have had a life a mediocrity…..like
so many others…most others. Should I
lament….or should I be thankful that I had a life at all…and is that not
extraordinary in and of itself?
