I am getting older. My body has gone through multiple changes throughout my life.....as we all do...from childhood to adolescence (Oh! The horror!) and for me, as a female, pregnancy (Oh! The horror!..yes, it was...because I puked for four entire months and lost 10 pounds) and then, finally, menopause....what joy!
So, here I am. Old. Old by probably every standard....I got notices from AARP twenty years ago!!! I started taking "senior" vitamins. When was my last period? Oh....shit. How the hell do I know??
There are people wondering why I don't color my hair. Why? Is that any of their business? Do I ask THEM why they continue to color theirs? Why? Who are they kidding? Why does it matter?
I have Frankenfeet....feet that have been ravaged by rheumatoid arthritis, a broken bone and bunions. Feet that have endured multiple surgeries just so I could remain vertical. Feet that I sought shoes for, for years, often opting for a larger and larger size just because I thought that I might be able to walk more comfortably...as a woman....hahaaha...like anyone EVER cared about women being comfortable walking....in shoes. Or not.
My two Frankenfeet....one done by a top notch surgeon in the NUMBER ONE hospital in New York City. He was an excellent surgeon, and that foot looks more normal than the other. The toes are even and sometimes I can even move them at will, finally, after all these years. I can bend them and even spread them a bit....before I could not feel them or send them "messages" from my brain at all. That is my more "normal" foot. It is back to my "normal" size 7. 38 in Europe. BUT.....but......but....as good as it looks...despite scars....it swells up in shoes. Always. Doesn't matter what shoe, makes no difference..the damned thing swells and after a not too very long while it becomes noticeable to the eye and uncomfortable, IDK how many of you have ever had your ankles swell for whatever reason, but that is what it is like. Always. In shoes. So....I avoid shoes whenever and wherever possible. And people want me to go out.....and have...FUN!
The other...my left foot....yeah....my left foot....is now deformed forever. It's a shame because the surgeon swore he trained under the surgeon who did my first foot! So, silly me, I thought he would come through. And, he seemed like a really nice guy...nice enough that I would have worked for him and even tried to get a job so I wouldn't have my killer commute anymore. But,.....my left foot looks like a horror. There is a huge gap between my great toe and the second one and then the other little piggies are all stuffed up at the end in their little piggie corrals, like actual pigs in a pig farm. It's a mess.
The upshot of all of this is that, for the most part, these surgeries that were supposed to restore my abilities, have left me with toes I cannot feel or move, except a very little bit on the right. I have balance problems. My right foot swells in shoes...any shoe. Makes no matter, even a slipper.
My left foot does NOT swell, but it looks, for all intents and purposes, at a quick glance, like I am missing a toe...the others are squished at the end and I must be meticulous about foot hygiene after every shower. AND, most of all, for this child who was "swimming" at two months of age, I can no longer swim at all. My feet are useless. Feet are necessary for swimming and mine are useless. So, something I have loved all my life is no longer possible. Sure, it's a result of disease, but how much is also the result of poor surgery?
I lost twenty pounds in the first year in Italy, because this is a "walking town" and we walked and walked. Then came a pandemic and quarantine. I am attempting to get back to walking...just a little one "around the block" it would be called in the US except here the block includes hills, so that makes it all the better.
I ran into a neighbor on my walk today..I think she is a bit older than I am. "Oh, una pasaggiatta?" (A walk? Perche?) A walk, why? Because I am fat. "No! No! You are normal!" And then the funny part..and "you are tall!" Tall? I'm 5'3"...hahaha!!! I guess to her I am "tall."
I will do what I can to remain in some semblance of "healthy"..while the environment collapses....I do it for my child and my cats.....So far, life goes on.
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