Let your mind roll on...

Peeling Off the Layers

Unable to digest another morsel of propaganda, I listened to my charged up iPod.  It was soon apparent that my listening pleasure was taking a dark turn.  And yet, she persisted.  She persisted until the tears were flowing.  Seemed like old times.


This little treatise will be filled, by the way, with tired old phrases and a plethora of metaphors.  Fitting, perhaps, for a tired old lady.


It appears that quarantine has caused my mind to wander to places perhaps best left to memory.  Places of despair.  But I have never been one to run for the comfort and pseudo-safety of fantasy and denial.  As the alcoholic character Alex Cutter said in the film “Cutter’s Way,”  “I take my tragedy straight.”

Last night was spent reflecting upon relationships.  All manner of relationships.  And, not being especially talented in this regard, I will often resort to cliché to get my point across.  Keep in mind that there are many layers to perception and reflection, levels of similarity in the personal and the public, the intimate and the formal since they are “relationships” nevertheless.


You enter a relationship usually with hope and enthusiasm.  So much promise, so much to look forward to, good things to come.  And, for a while, things are good, moving along swimmingly.  (Oh, here we go)  All seems right with the world, easy going, trusting, comfortable.


Time moves on and there are things to do, places to explore, work to do, roofs to insure, families to raise.  The daily business of life goes on and on for years.  With time, the relationship becomes somewhat secondary, something taken for granted.  It’s there, like a blanket when you’re chilly, like a comfortable chair.  In your haste, in your chores, in your daily duties, you might, once in a great while, notice a change here and there.  But those fleeting moments of uncertainty barge headlong into things that must be done.  No time to wonder, no time to question or ruminate.  No time.

Until one day something happens that requires attention.  Something disturbing, maybe drastic, maybe not.  Those little things that nagged at you led straight up to this moment.  Now attention must be paid.


Now, there are some who, at this point in a relationship (an intimate one, a work arrangement, the unspoken contract between citizen and state) will choose to continue to ignore and simply carry on, more and more unhappy, more and more disturbed by the state of affairs.   They will absorb the negative and perhaps even convince themselves that really, there is nothing wrong at all.  They may find ways to cope in denial or construct an entire fantasy and make themselves believe it.  People do this.  I’ve seen it at every level.  I’ve been guilty, at times, myself.  But not ultimately.  Ultimately, die hard realist that I am, the blinders come off.  So, here’s another…you cannot unring a bell.  Once seen, you cannot unsee.
  

What does one do then?  The fantasy creator digs in and takes pride in their misery.  The more the merrier. (I’m sorry)  The denier becomes a martyr of sorts, complaining…but sighing that there is nothing that can be done.  I have to stay with him/her.  I have to keep this job.  That’s just the way things are, it’s the system.  You can’t fight City Hall.


The alternative is action.  You DO something.  You speak up, you protest, you examine, question, maybe you fight.  Maybe you fight and you get scared because you could get hurt, but you know you have to fight to be true to yourself and in order to simply survive
.

Usually, the relationship ends.  What the fantasy builders don’t know is that the relationship ended anyway.  What the deniers don’t know is they are causing themselves tremendous mental anguish. With the end of any relationship there is pain, doubt and the unknown awaits, so there is tremendous fear.  But the misery is over.  So, of course, is the dream.  All that hope and promise, that easy going, comfortable happy time…it is terribly painful to recall and to abandon it forever to the vault of things that used to be and are no more and never will be again.
  

There comes a time, for realists, deniers and fantasy makers, when they know deep down that their partner/employer/government is no longer on their side, does not have their interests in mind, does not care at all and may actually be actively taking steps to do harm. 


As in “The Wizard of Oz,” there is a fraudster behind the curtain.  “Oz” had a happy ending.  There are fraudsters behind many curtains and some just don’t care if you pull back the curtain.  They don’t care at all.  They will merely close it again, pump up the volume and make the pictures on the screen more enchanting.  Others are behind so many layers of curtains it is difficult to pull them back…like when I was young, those elaborate layered curtains were the fashion du jour.  The outer valance and the side curtains…then the inner layer, sometimes sheer, then yet another layer of either curtain or shade or blinds.  Where the hell is the light?


Maybe there isn’t any. Light, that is.  I didn’t say this would have a happy ending.  I only know that I am not fooled, I’m not the type to happily step into fantasyland.  Denial just leads to either fantasy or conflict.
  

“I take my tragedy straight.”